My apartment seems so empty. I keep expecting to see one of my cats out of the corner of my eye. I miss Punky a lot, and it feels like I lost PJ all over again.
My cats pulled my attention out of my head, made me notice what I was doing each moment of the day. They also demanded what they wanted on a relatively predictable schedule. My cats helped me organize my time at home. Now I feel a bit adrift.
There are so many associations the cats have to my 20s and early 30s, things I’ve lost a hold on since I’ve been sick with Lyme disease: certain friends, activist work, travel, and a hopefulness about the future when time was on my side. (I’ve always struggled with feeling like time is running out, but it’s definitely worse since I haven’t been able to do very much with my time.) Mourning for Punky is also mourning for what I’ve lost along the way.
At the same time, I feel a certain lightness. I was anxious and sad about Punky while he was ill and dying. He was a major focal point of my attention, both when he asked me to do things for him (pet him, lie on the couch in a particular way so he could cuddle in his favorite position, feed him) and when I was figuring out what I could do to keep him going or make him comfortable. Now I have a certain amount of unused capacity to think about other things.
I’m up and down emotionally. That will probably be it’s own drain for a while, but I’m starting to see other things that might be possible.
Until then, I have a lot of cleaning to do. My least favorite thing about the cats in the past year is that they increased their shedding rate. I’m going to ask someone to help me clean. Then I have the cat stuff I’m getting rid of and some of my stuff to rearrange. Maybe, just maybe, that will help me live in a post-Punky world.
I’m doing my best to go up on Babesia until I reach 10 minutes on my core (liver+chest) as soon as I can tolerate it. I added 30 seconds to each location today which caused a lump in my throat.
- Babesia, chest, 4 minutes 30 seconds; liver, 4 minutes 30 seconds
- Candida, abdomen 10 minutes
Today was my favorite yoga class. It started out a bit slower than usual, but I ended up sweating a bunch part way through. The teacher set up a more gentle vinyasa (series of motions that are repeated during the practice) than usual. It was just perfect for me. I mentioned at the beginning that I was heartbroken about my cat and requested any poses for the heart. The teacher obliged with several heart openers and backbends.
We spent some time opening up the hip joints. It made me notice that when my hips are tight, my thighs hurt rather than my hips. I have an image of my joints strangling the nerve bundles going down my legs. Probably not anatomically accurate, but that’s what I see with my mind’s eye. We did a forward bend over fire log pose. I’ve been doing that one all along when I was doing a physical therapy routine at home, only I started out barely able to sit up that way because it was so painful. However, it turned out to be one of the best ways to loosen my right hip to be able to stand or walk (or hobble) without my right hip giving out.
- juiced greens
- skin brushing
- castor oil pack on liver
I have a pretty bad headache tonight. I’m tempted to take colestid, but I drank the juiced greens after a late dinner. I don’t want to lose all those nutrients with the colestid. We’ll see if it’s still bothering me when I head to bed.
I slept well last night. Only one night sweat. I woke up very early. Could be the emotional stress, could be where the Herx is. I was too tired to get up for quite a while after I was done sleeping.
My joints are a bit achy today. I was glad to oxygenate them during yoga, even though it made them hurt more.
After yoga I was tired. An hour or two after class, I forced myself to do some laundry to clean the sheets that Punky soiled. That might have been a mistake. My lower back has been hurting the rest of the day. I’ve been exhausted. And my head and neck are killing me. My eyeballs hurt, too. These pains feel like Lyme or Bartonella Herx symptoms.
I had another random gas attack with no obvious food related provocation. Tonight I have a sharp, focused pain in my stomach, on the upper left portion of my abdomen.
All day I’ve had something I call urinary hesitation. My bladder is full, but when I sit on the toilet I have to wait an eternity for my bladder to release its contents. I’ve had this problem before. Makes me think I want to try another course of homeopathic remedy for kidney/bladder symptoms.
More sleep is definitely on the agenda.