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The Policy of “No Guilt”

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Today was a particular kind of tired day. It has been part of the Lyme disease cycle and part of the Herx progression since the beginning of the illness.

I woke up long after 9:30am, fighting off a series of disturbing dreams. My pain level was very high until around 11:30 am. Fortunately and in contrast to days similar to this one, the Colestid I took yesterday did a pretty good job of warding off a blinding headache.

After that I was awake and alert. And I was tired. Every time I went to stand up and do something, I was lying down again within 2 minutes. My body just wanted to rest.

But I was awake and aware of all the things I need to do. I felt a serious case of the “shoulds” coming on. I had to continually remind myself that I’m not lazy, I’m Herxing, and that as soon as I have some energy, these tasks will require minimal effort to complete.

No Guilt

I made a policy for myself shortly after I stopped working. That was when things were much worse than they are now, but I was still very attached to the work I’d been doing. I felt too guilty to watch a movie or read a book, so I would lie around doing nothing.

Then one day, I had an epiphany. The reason I wasn’t working was that I needed to give my body time to heal. So I decided that it made more sense to occupy my time with light, enjoyable activities (movies, books, short visits from friends) that allowed my body to rest sufficiently, than to suffer in spirit while suffering physically.

I had to recall that several times today. At noon, I had to give myself permission to watch an episode of Enterprise rather than make phone calls. At 4 I had to give myself permission to sleep for a half hour or so.

At 5pm, I finally had enough energy to sit up for a bit. So I took care of the most urgent computer tasks. I took a shower. Then I had a bit more energy, so I finally made some headway on the list of time sensitive tasks that come with being an adult.

Lyme disease and it’s compatriots have caused me to lose many days that I’d like to have spent having adventures, making art or just living a normal life. I can’t thank it for that. But I’ve learned to minimize the resentment by doing the things I can do, and not feeling bad about them, no matter how frivolous they seem.

And if occasionally my sleep schedule gets thrown off because I needed to sleep or stay in bed all day, well, that’s okay, too.

Coiling

During the Herx progression, I’m keeping up with the Candida treatment.

  • Candida, abdomen, 10 minutes

Detox

I’m enjoying organic limes until they run out and I go in search of lemons.

I did my castor oil pack early in the day, at around 11 am, because I felt like my liver was hurting. The sensation diminished when I took off the castor oil pack an hour later.

Since I spent so much time lying down today, I made good use of the BioMat. It definitely diminished my pain level to be on it for 6+ hours. Most of the time was at levels 2 and 3, alternating as I listened to my body’s needs. Towards the end, I bumped it up to 4 and had a decent sweat.

  • homeopathic support
  • kombucha
  • juiced greens (double dose)
  • lime water
  • skin brushing
  • BioMat/infrared heat
  • castor oil pack on liver

Body

The key symptom today was the unrelenting fatigue that kept me flat on my back. I had a mild headache for a good part of the day. I’ve had an earache, right ear worse, all day, with some pain moving into my jaws and neck. This evening, I’ve had floaters in my vision.

In the morning when I woke up, I was in a lot of pain: joints, bones, muscles, skin, in all my limbs. My limbs tingled or had odd sensations for several periods lasting a few minutes at a time. My back hurt all over. My shoulders, especially, were having a hard time.

I had a heat rash on my chest after I showered this evening. I haven’t seen the bright red splotches in quite a while.

And my poor little fingers. They just always hurt.

On a good note, when I finally got up this evening, I had energy and attention for some of the house chores. My body was happy to move around. I guess all that time resting was exactly what I needed.

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