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Ruminating on deferred dreams

Sunday, July 17, 2011

I spent the day today with other artists who are looking at the role capitalist oppression plays in our relationship to our artwork. Some are artists who get income from their work. Some, like me, are not. Still I take writing very seriously.

A few days ago, I was lamenting the fact that I haven’t been writing. It isn’t quite accurate, of course, to say that I haven’t been writing (this is my 177th post). It’s that I haven’t been writing my novel. I miss it. I want to have enough energy to work on it and finish it. The ideas are there. The words are waiting to be inscribed on the pages of my notebooks. I’m not stuck, in the sense of writer’s block. I’m stuck in the sense of my health and recuperation take up a lot of time and energy.

The most I’ve been able to manage to write is this blog. Looking back over the past 160 days, it forms a significant body of work. I’m especially proud of the posts that are informative with what is known about the diseases I have and their treatments as well as the posts that create a picture of what it is like to face long-term health struggles. For now, this is where my writing happens. It’s my top priority.

I still dream of being well enough to write for a few hours a day about the science fiction world I have in my head and the stories that take place there. Short of that, I have a few art projects I’d like to do this summer. I have a few essays I’d like to write. I just need a good week or two in a row with bearable pain levels and no crises.

To be fair, I have used most of my extra energy to reconnect with people. It’s a necessity. I need to be with people I care about when they’re available. I have no regrets that spending time with people precludes having energy left over for writing. My life is a work in progress. More progress on my health will mean more progress in all areas.

Coiling

I considered adding a Bartonella treatment for my head. Then I went over my posts from late spring. I realized that I tended to add new co-infection treatments about 10 days after a Lyme treatment. So I’m feeling less urgent. I’m still Herxing from the Lyme treatment last week. Still have headaches, and my heart symptoms haven’t gone away yet. So I’ll wait to add it until later this week.

  • Bartonella, chest, 2 minutes; abdomen, 5 minutes
  • Babesia, chest, 10 minutes
  • Candida, chest, 2 minutes; abdomen, 10 minutes

Detox

  • homeopathic support
  • juiced greens
  • skin brushing

I gave myself a B-12 shot this morning.

Body

I was really hot last night. I ended up sleeping without a shirt because as soon as I started to drift off, I would get overheated and wake up. The third time this happened, I tossed the shirt aside. I had night sweats more than once, including shortly before I woke up.

I had less hand and foot pain immediately upon waking, though my limbs were rather clumsy as I stumbled around my apartment attempting to start the day.

Once I was up, I’ve had joint pain all day. All my joints. My hands and fingers and wrists and elbows and shoulders. My ribs and spine and neck and jaw. My hips and knees and ankles and feet. Each set of joints hurt for an overlapping portion of the day. It was distracting to say the least.

I’m having tingling in my feet, ankles and lower calves.

I’ve had a headache on and off all day. I have floaters in my vision. I have an earache on both sides, worse on the right. This evening I have a sore throat and a hot itchy rash on my chest.

My heart was bothering me. Several times when I stood up, I felt a mild pain in my upper chest and neck. I wasn’t quite lightheaded, but I could tell that there wasn’t enough blood. My heart was palpitating when I had to climb a flight of stairs. And I needed to be lying down or at least have my legs up all day long.

I feel like this Lyme Herx is going on and on. I also worry that the Lyme bacteria are waking up after the antibiotics have been out of my system for so long. As I write, I wonder if I’ll give up on increasing Bartonella to focus more on Lyme…

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